Today, July 18th 2025, is officially 4 years since I got baptized. And it’s been a while since I’ve uploaded anything so heyyyy. Like I said, I haven’t posted on here in a minute and I wasn’t planning on it, but a thought just came so fervently into my head while taking the bus of “Hmm wait should I post my reflection?” And I knew I should after my next thought after that was “Definitely not, it’s too personal, they don’t need to know all this.” So yeah, and here I am. But yes, so it’s been 4 years since I made the decision to walk with Jesus for real. I remember the day like it was yesterday, I was so scared to give up my old life because I felt if I messed up after devoting myself to Christ, I would just burn in hell lol. And seeing how vastly far God took me from that mindset is crazy.
Since last year I’ve started actually celebrating my spirthday with a prayer walk and deep reflection because why not. And so a few hours ago, after my internship, I took time to celebrate with a cutesy aesthetic river trail prayer walk, boba, while looking back at my journal entries, quiet times, cries out to God, gratitude lists, prayer requests, all that good stuff, and had a journal session reflecting on how it’s been and where God has taken me from those moments, just me and God.
This past year has been full of so many different seasons. Not just with events that happened, but also with deep internal wrestling. I’ve had to face some things in me I didn’t want to truly lock in with fighting through the comfort I felt keeping them in life, such as pride, envy, fear, and bitterness. I studied out what it truly means to love without fear, and not like the surface-level “live laugh love” type, but the kind of love that loves when it’s hard, that forgives, that discerns when to go when it’s beneficial, that doesn’t assume the worst, and that chooses to believe the best in others. I really grasped this year that real love isn’t afraid to be selfless, even when it’s not returned or acknowledged.
God has shown me so much about my desire for control in how often I want to script out everything in my life, to avoid discomfort, or live on autopilot instead of walking in faith. I really saw how comfort can be an idol for me, and how laziness and seeking it above God steals purpose. He challenged me to steward the little I have before trying to grasp for more, such as my time, money, energy, and living through these moments to live fruitfully, not just making myself busy aimlessly just to feel like I’m doing something.
I wrestled with insecurity with feeling like people don’t truly like me, fearing being misunderstood, or thinking I need to prove my worth to be accepted. But God called me deeper to be still and to be secure in His love so I won’t let my own internal assumptions or comparisons steal my peace. I saw how bitterness can grows when I don’t deal with the hurt I felt with these feelings, how assuming the worst about others keeps me guarded, and how important it is to guard my heart with truth and not with walls.
He convicted me in areas like lust and self-control, not in the way I wanted I’ll say, but in the way I needed. It was the thoughts, the little compromises, the moments when I thought no one saw. And yet, Jesus met me with grace and love. He continues to remind me that He truly meets my all my needs, whether its emotionally, spiritually, physically. And that I don’t have to turn to counterfeits.
This year, I also faced fears of vulnerability. It’s still a hard journey but I’m continuing to soften my heart to letting people in, being honest about my struggles, not trying to be “fine” all the time if I’m not. I really saw my self-sufficiency even more than I knew this year with how often I rely on myself instead of the Body or being truly patient with allowing God to work in His timing. He taught me about childlike faith and daring to hope like they do again, to trust what I can’t see, to wait when it’s uncomfortable, to do the hard things even when I’m scared.
This year I wrestled with perfectionism and people-pleasing, constantly feeling like I had to perform or say the “right” thing to be accepted or seen in the best light. But God is teaching me to be present and be myself with my flaws and quirks, to serve with freedom, and to trust in His goodness even when His goodness doesn’t feel good. He’s also been growing me in finances, in honoring Him with my sexuality, and in true repentance. Not the “repentance” filled with shame and worldly sorrow, but in transformation.
I’ve learned a lot about setting boundaries and truly enforcing them the right way, about not living for others’ approval, about being with God like Mary, not just doing things for Him like Martha. I’ve questioned His goodness at times, especially when things didn’t go my way. But He’s shown me again and again: He is good. He does love me. And He’s been patient with me through it all. Especially these past two weeks have been so many blessings and things falling into place I would’ve never expected since it wasn’t what I was thinking, but God is so wise.
So today, I’m not just celebrating my baptism anniversary, my “spirthday”. I’m also celebrating a God who never stopped working on me, even when I resisted Him. I’m celebrating how far He’s brought me, even when I didn’t notice the little seeds of growth happening day by day (and still is happening and will continue to). I’m not perfect, but I’m present. And I’m becoming.
So yeah, here’s to year four with walking in deeper faith, deeper love, and deeper surrender.
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