Becoming Your True Self

In its truest form, desire is not self-serving but rather a means of discovering our life’s purpose. I believe that everyone has a vocation that we can find by asking “What truly moves me?” We all have an image of the person we want to become if it wasn’t for the tactics of life interfering, whether it’s to become more loving, more open, more disciplined. That’s a calling.

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires.
Psalm 37:4 (CSB)

Why do we spend so much of our time attempting to become what we would never choose to be? If only we were clear about our goals. Why do we squander our time on activities that, if we simply took a moment to consider it, are exactly the opposite of what we were designed to achieve?

There are instances in my life where I’m doing something and ponder “Why am I actually doing this?” I try to do this more because often I just go with the flow and think things don’t affect me. If we look at the world and even in our own lives, we will pursue a career path we’re not sure of, or choose it only for money or fame. I know when I started my first semester of freshman year, I settled with doing nursing because I didn’t know what I really wanted. And I did this because of the promise of monetary gain and a stable life in the future. Nursing is a real vocation for a lot of people. But it wasn’t for me. I was barely getting by. I had no idea what I was doing. But when I asked myself what I truly wanted, and psychology, writing, studies in that nature kept coming back to me. And that’s what I truly wanted since I was a child, but I realized through prayer that I had put it aside to the back of my brain for the longest. God saw that I was unconsciously fighting my true will and calling and brought it back to me. My initial plan for my life came crumbling down, and for this, I’m so thankful.

Through college and this summer, this process prompted me to shake things up and ask myself that stimulating question: “Why am I actually doing this?” And I tend to do certain things in the hopes of making someone else happy, which isn’t inherently a bad thing, but doing this for every topic in your life can become draining and you lose yourself in the process because you forget what you actually want and need. What you desire. I also began to ask myself “What would you do if you could do anything?” It’s a very clarifying question for everyone, especially for self-proclaimed realists like me because it allows you to dissect who you truly are: your innermost desires, wants, needs, etc. And Jesus asks people that too. He asks “What do you truly want? What are your desires?” Those who seek and trust God will prosper within God’s will.

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.
Proverbs 16:9 (CSB)

And when God has a calling for you, vocations and callings are not just limited to monastics. Each person has a vocation. The most basic calling is to develop into the person God created. And it is the person God is calling you to be as well as the person you now are. And I believe that our desires help us discover that. What moves you? Part of that is about career, but that’s not the only part of it. A vocation is your deepest most innermost identity, as well as being called to a certain lifestyle. He gives everyone gifts that we desire and can grow into and use to live our fullest life, which is only obtained through Him.

Just as each one has received a gift, use it to serve others, as good stewards of the varied grace of God. If anyone speaks, let it be as one who speaks God’s words; if anyone serves, let it be from the strength God provides, so that God may be glorified through Jesus Christ in everything. To him be the glory and the power forever and ever. Amen.
1 Peter 4:10-11 (CSB)

Desire is a key word because I think if we do separate, if we do think about our calling in narrow  terms, which sounds very serious and like some kind of boring duty, then we probably wouldn’t use that language of “desire” – one form is the idea that it has to do with your desires and being aware of them, but there is a very deep and lengthy philosophical and theological tradition of thinking about desire and calling.

During my freshman year, I found and read a book at my university’s library entitled “The Spiritual Exercises” by Ignatius of Loyola that discussed praying for what you desire and also praying to understand your desires. I believe that your deepest desires, the things that you’re drawn to, the person you’re called to truly be, are all really God’s desires for you. How else would God call us to something?

The reflections of the heart belong to mankind, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord. All a person’s ways seem right to him, but the Lord weighs motives. Commit your activities to the Lord, and your plans will be established.
Proverbs 16:1-3 (CSB)

Again, desire in itself is not inherently selfish. We all have an image of the person we want to become. It is freeing and opens up the possibility that this is not necessarily easy, but is a process that has joy and delight in it.

We can possibly experience heartache as we let go of the things we’re not called to be and the parts that are holding us back because in actuality, it is detrimental to our being. This is God calling you, you know. If you believe you want something but there’s a greater spirit in you saying “No, I don’t really want that for my life”, this is the calling and vocation. Sometimes our calling is to let go of harmful things. This is a process. And it’s ultimately liberating in the end, which is a beautiful thing.

What does the worker gain from his struggles? I have seen the task that God has given the children of Adam to keep them occupied. He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also put eternity in their hearts, but no one can discover the work God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for them than to rejoice and enjoy the good life. It is also the gift of God whenever anyone eats, drinks, and enjoys all his efforts. I know that everything God does will last forever; there is no adding to it or taking from it. God works so that people will be in awe of him.
Ecclesiastes 3:9-14 (CSB)