So, let’s discuss people pleasing. This is something that has weighed me down for the longest, and finding a way out can be tough if you’re like me and have been in the cycle for years. Trying to make everyone happy is not the secret to be liked by others, so let’s reframe our mindset around that. It can be tough to set boundaries and say “no.” It can be tough to feel like you’re letting people down, even if you know that is the best thing for you.
Let’s start with why I believe that people pleasing isn’t the way to get people to like you. You might be thinking “that seems kind of ironic” because when we’re attempting to please others and overextending ourselves trying to be there for people, say “yes” all the time, and support with no questions asked, it can be really easy to get sucked into the belief that that is the way to make yourself more likable. But as I pondered this while over-thinking as I do, and analyzed different times in my life when I overextended myself or my inner people pleaser was like “you can’t say no to that because of xyz reason” so I ended up saying “yes” and ended up feeling exhausted, frustrated, and/or not at peace when and after doing these things.
Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor’s house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you.
Proverbs 25:17 (ESV)
I look back at those experiences and I realize that I don’t think that me trying to make everyone happy, think that I’m nice and sweet all the time, and not letting anyone down made me a likable person, per se. That doesn’t determine whether or not someone enjoys my company or if someone appreciates me, and so I kind of came up with three reasons why trying to make everyone happy and complying with what people say all the time is not the secret to be liked.
For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Galatians 1:10 (ESV)
Reason number 1: At the end of the day, you’ll never be able to make everyone happy. This is a cognitive and logical fact, yet somehow we still try to go beyond the binary by attempting to make everyone happy anyway. Some people aren’t going to see things eye-to-eye with you, some people aren’t going to share the same values or morals, some people aren’t going to appreciate when you take space and time for yourself and your mental health. And even when you’re giving and giving, some people aren’t going to appreciate that either, or won’t even acknowledge that you did anything worthwhile. So this is not the answer.
Reason number 2: So because you can never make everyone happy, eventually, you’re going to be burnt-out and miserable going through the process of trying to please everyone. As you’re trying to yes to everyone, as you’re trying to find a way to connect and find common ground, and even bend on your morals, convictions, and values to please somebody else, you’re going to feel like you’re being pulled in so many directions. Eventually, we end up losing ourselves in the process and we can’t be true to ourselves when we don’t know what our real perception of ourself is since it’s been suppressed so many times repeatedly. Losing ourselves and feeling like people are using us or are always asking things of us leads to bitterness, which messes with your character of being kind and present.
Reason number 3: And that leads to the third point that those who like you for you, not for what you can do for them or what you can do to please them, can actually suffer the consequences of you chasing the approval of everyone when you could be stewarding the support and relationships of a few or a handful of those people who actually get you and you don’t have to show out to prove anything to them. Sometimes we can forget these things, I definitely forget these things sometimes, and so I want to share the reality again: you’ll never be able to appease everyone and make everyone happy, and if you do, you’re going to be extremely miserable in the process trying to because it’s never going to work out longterm. And at the end of the day, those who actually just like you for you, they might suffer the consequences of you not being present with them and not pouring into those relationships because you’re giving all your good energy to people who don’t really value the real you and giving the scraps to your true loved ones.
The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.
Proverbs 29:25 (ESV)
Some follow up questions can come from this like “ok well how do I say no in a kind way?” or “what if I’ve been a people pleaser all this time but now I want to try and set some boundaries, how can I get started and break the cycle?” The first thing is to tap into the reality that boundaries are not unkind. Setting boundaries can actually be one of the kindest things we can do, not only for ourselves but for those that we love, for our collegeus, for our relationships, for our acquaintances, even though it feels rude.
Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.
Colossians 4:6 (ESV)
When it comes to setting boundaries and doing it in a way that’s not rude or coming across as you think you’re better than the other person or that you’re saying someone else isn’t as important (which can be part of the fear when trying to break out of people pleasing), there is a way to do it respectfully and lovingly. For example, if you want to communicate that there’s going to be a change such as you’re not going to be as available on your phone and you want to set that boundary. Instead of telling your friends “hey I’m setting some boundaries so don’t even think about texting me after 8pm, I have better things to do”, that’s obviously going to come across as rude or harsh. A better way to say it is “hey, I just want to be honest and say I’m a little burnt-out and I’m going to try to prioritize my health more so if I don’t reply after 8pm to a text, just know that I’m not ignoring you, I’m just trying to limit my screen time and I’ll get back to you in the morning.” Something along those lines comes across as you’re still important to me and I want to communicate with you, but it’s a you and not them situation. Of course there can still be that person who gets offended over everything, in which setting boundaries reveals who actually values you, but that doesn’t negate the fact that the second format is respectful and kind, and the first one would definitely make essentially everyone sad or upset so you’re better off with the second one.
Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man,
Proverbs 22:24 (ESV)
Another thing to think about when setting boundaries in a way that is kind and compassionate would be to communicate your needs more so than how the other person or people are wrong and are imposing themselves on you. Like the example I gave, if you are communicating your needs like I need more sleep or I’m realizing that I’m overworking myself, or I’m noticing that I never spend time with my family and wanted to get to bond with them more, etc. most people are going to understand that, especially since these needs are relatable to the average person and they can empathize. This leads to you having peace when you’re not overextending yourself while knowing the people you love respect that as well.
He makes peace in your borders; he fills you with the finest of the wheat.
Psalm 147:14 (ESV)
The fear around setting boundaries can be assuming that boundaries will give people that cutting them off impression because you don’t like them or are secretly mad at them at that moment. But I also believe it’s important, especially if you’re dealing with certain relationships that are closer to you in your life, you can reemphasize that “I love you and I’m so thankful to have you in my life, but there’s just this personal conviction or struggle with me and I want to set this limit across the board so don’t take it personal if I don’t respond as quickly or efficiently as I usually do.” Statements along those lines usually get a good response because it clarifies that this is not you cutting them out of your life.
Another thing I want to touch on too is just saying “no” in a way that feels productive and in a way that’s kind instead of just being like “nope, lone wolf season, cutting everyone off until I say it’s over” because none of us really want to do that to people they care about. There can be an instance where someone is proposing something that you can do for them that sounds so good, fun and/or productive like volunteering for poor children or the biggest party event on campus, but you genuinely can’t go because you have a plethora of things to do at that time on that day that can’t be rescheduled conveniently, a couple ways you can respond to that circumstance could be “I would really love to go to that or do that but I have prior engagements that can’t be rescheduled but please please keep me in mind for next time. Thanks for thinking of me.” That tells the other person that you do appreciate the offer but you are just busy.
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:1 (ESV)
It’s also ok to say that you can’t even if you technically can when you don’t have anything planned at that day and time. It could be your one day to rest and recharge from the week, it could be the day you can get meal prep done, spend time with your family, study for the exam tomorrow, which is still valid and important. So if you feel like you technically can but you really shouldn’t, then you can’t. If you know you’re not going to be able to show up your best authentic self being fruitful, then you can’t add that to your capacity and be able to do it well, so it’s not a lie and shouldn’t be something you beat yourself up for it.
Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil.
Matthew 5:37 (ESV)
Another way you can defer advances while still being helpful, like instead of just saying that you can’t but people still push on it and try to convince you, you can reiterate what you said before and add you know someone that would love to do that or go there. You can make a broad statement saying you’re not doing any of that stuff for this year or semester, so it’s not just saying no to their specific advance, but it’s to everything like that topic. So there are multiple ways to say “no” without being rude and obnoxious, and while being truthful.
Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth.
2 Timothy 2:15 (ESV)
I know how hard it can be when you have a big heart, you’re ambitious, you care about people, and you care about making a positive impact on others. It can be easy to question your overthink your decision on why you said “no” and why you think you’re a bad person and now everyone hates you, but the truth is that most of the time they understand. I’m sure every people pleaser has had someone place a respectful boundary on them, I sure have, and they didn’t feel offended, angry, or think the person didn’t like them anymore. We understood. Release the sense of guilt because there’s nothing wrong with not being able to do everything at once everyday anytime for anyone. That’s just not realistic.
Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7 (ESV)
Now with all that said, try approaching setting boundaries in these ways. These have been really effective in my life, and I hope and pray that they can be effective in yours as well.
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