Healing Is In Our Restoration

Now as I’m starting classes again, I look forward and back, pondering on if what I gathered through experience, seeing others experiences, and research still rings true. How can we move on and even find rebirth from our past along the way? What keeps us going? How can one maintain a sense of what is whole, authentic, and undamaged after hurt?

My mom urged me to discuss with her and my dad about the past pain in my life that shaped me to start the healing process over the summer. And I avoided having that conversation for as long as I could because I didn’t want to show vulnerability or go through the hard process. But once I finally said things I didn’t even realized affected me after reflecting, I cried. But it was both stabilizing and relieving, and it has been with me since. Humbling myself to my true emotions opened a gateway for me to be honest with myself, which is the start of healing.

On Thursday morning, I read in my Book of Common Prayer for my morning devotional and the theme was “Broken, we kneel; humbled, we cry: help Jesus! Raise us gently on high.” I gathered that when I humble myself to my own thoughts and truly follow God instead, I can heal from any type of brokenness or lack of confidence, and not to fall into despair because of my stumblings since they are not incurable because there is a healer. It demonstrated the interconnectedness of caring for the world while teaching kindness to ourselves and the value of calmness as a source of strength.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, so that he may exalt you at the proper time.

1 Peter 5:6 (CSB)

I used to hear the word “calmness” and thought it meant indifference and truly not caring about what others were thinking or feeling about you (which I felt empowered by because it gave me the excuse to shun people who did the same to be) but it really doesn’t mean that. Our hearts have such a vast ability in our own different ways to feel what we feel, to feel what others feel, and to just have this perspective that life is changing and that there is light in the dark and darkness in the light. God draws us in to have peace in our hearts and souls. He brings grace and mercy since we have been justified through faith. And since certain things just hurt, we shouldn’t try to escape pain and instead allow Jesus Christ to comfort us through our openness so we can be built up with confidence in knowing that we have a loving Father who will always provide for our needs perfectly.

The Lord gives his people strength; the Lord blesses his people with peace.

Psalm 29:11 (CSB) 

Not fighting and encountering pain is essential, especially since that’s something I tend to forget. I subconsciously hide my feelings. This is because I don’t feel things as upfront, so it’s easier for me to focus on things that I feel are “more important”. I tend to avoid conflict and tension, but the truth is that no one can run from the inevitable. I can be sensitive to getting hurt feelings without even realizing that I am because of my tendency to bury emotions and pray that they go away. Neglecting these emotions can make them worse and cause them to fester as they go unresolved for a long period of time. I might appear to be nonchalant to getting my feelings hurt, but that could not be farther from the truth.

Growing up, I frequently felt invisible when I wasn’t making people laugh, and I often feel like that now. I could be around people as a whole interacting with one another, but I feel as though there is an invisible wall preventing me from joining them inside of my head that I cultivated from long ago from people’s intentional or unintentional hurt they caused; I feel like a submarine cruising along unnoticed, picking up on the feelings of others like sonar. Although if you were to ask me what my own feelings are, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. Bottling up what I want to say and feel is in a sense, the build up of feeling unheard or uncared for that is striking most deeply in reawakening my feelings of trauma. 

And I know others out there have similar experiences. But I genuinely think we can get through it if we work together, find each other, stop feeling so alone, and use a variety of techniques.

We can practice to develop a sense of agency and the knowledge that we have a variety of options for responding. We can practice so that we can remember to breathe and reflect in the moment, to have the room in the face of difficulty to recall our values, what we truly care about, and to find comfort in our inner strength and in one another.

Though a righteous person falls seven times, he will get up, but the wicked will stumble into ruin.

Proverbs 24:16 (CSB)

The healing is in our restoration, not in not getting lost in the beginning, which failure is something I’ve struggled with wanting to go through. Knowing that the wise and prosperous people are the ones who make mistakes yet they keep going at their goal is enlightening! And I don’t think I’ve ever taken it in so graciously or found it to be so useful to be lost at first. Knowing this is such a relief. We can see throughout history that inventors, writers, politicians, artists, performers, biblical figures, and great people alike have faced many obstacles yet have overcome, and that feels so liberating to be reminded of.

However, the process can be frustrating. But there’s something about accepting it, even taking it as a gift, that kind of does what you also are so clear about, which is that we can change our relationship to how we experience the situations or circumstances that are right in front of us, and that can change everything. And I believe it provides us with the foundation for trying to change the situation, but from a different place, not because we feel inadequate or desperate, but because we have that sense of compassion for ourselves and others, and we can move forward toward something, even if it doesn’t necessarily produce a result right away.

I believe that if we can establish the foundation of recognition that “Ok, this is how things are right now, and I can see them,” “I don’t have to be fearful of what I’m confronting,” and “I can see them for what they are,” we can go about painful feelings in a different manner.

Do not remember the past events; pay no attention to things of old. Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.

Isaiah 43:18-19 (CSB)

Everyone will make mistakes, and the mistakes caused by formulations from past trauma hurts even more, but we should all strive to learn from them and use them for the better. Are you learning from your mistakes, you might ask? Trials and hardships in life can also be brought on by our own mistakes. I can recall instances in my own life where I disobeyed God’s command and did what I thought was right or more comfortable. I lost something within me or physically in my life as a result, and I also went through some trying moments. 

Me dwelling in the past and letting great things that were meant for me pass me by in that moment has taught me to intentionally pray before making important decisions and to constantly examine my reasons. Proverbs even discusses that a dog returning to its vomit (which vomit is, of course, to be left behind because, well… it’s vomit) is like humans doing the same painful things over and over again. But throughout dreadful periods of my life, God remained dependable. 

We must strengthen our relationship with the Lord and deepen our faith in order to avoid subconscious mistakes we make from not being healed completely from the past. We should mature and gain wisdom in Christ. Continuous prayer, walking in the Spirit, meditation on God’s Word, donning all of God’s armor, being humble, and putting our complete confidence in the Lord with no leaning on our own understanding are all ways to help learn healing from restoration.

Like a dog that returns to its vomit, a fool does the same foolish things again and again. People who think they are wise when they are not are worse than fools.

Proverbs 26:11-12 (CSB)

Embrace the suffering rather than the shame it brings. Realizing the idea of shame is also where we go when speaking of pain or suffering or hurt, isn’t that interesting? It’s basically society’s way of saying that one should have no business feeling this way. How insignificant and foolish to go there. And doesn’t that just put a stop to everything?

 I remember having a conversation with a friend and they said something along the lines of, “Something I don’t understand is why having less — say, having less financially or economically — should be a humiliating thing,” and that to be in a certain status or whatever, we then add humiliation, like you’re not good enough, rather than accepting that life has taken this turn.

Let’s say you’ve lost your job or something along those lines. You do not have enough, yes, but does this make you a less worthy person? No. Therefore, the feeling of shame or embarrassment, which is, in my opinion, a result of the culture’s emphasis on always being in control of everything that happens in their lives, was never grounded in fact. Yet, it’s gone the opposite way intended: we have no control over anything right now, to be honest.

While the world tells us to inherently feel shame and isolation about every normal emotion, God tells us completely different. He tells us to come to Him while we are feeling weakened and pained, and we will experience His peace.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Matthew 11:28-30 (CSB)

Early on, I discovered the importance of carefully considering my words before speaking, making sure that everything was said in a way that would allow for convincing denial. Any facts had to beyond dispute so no one could alienate me more than I already felt most times. And the weird part is that I completely understand and don’t harshly judge others when they make mistakes, but I can’t stand making them myself.

Earlier in the week, I was showing a friend a certain food truck to get food from. I repeated it several times that I knew where it was. It turned out that I was wrong when we arrived. It wasn’t a big deal in real terms; we just had to circle back around again, and no one was annoyed or mad, but I was still beating myself up inside over that although we had so much fun in the moment and loved the spontaneous walk. But I was so certain I knew where it was, and that bothered me.

I know that. logically, everyone makes mistakes, and it’s usually not a big deal, but I always feel like I’ll be silently judged for it. Even for things that are not mistakes, such as my hobbies, raising my hand in class when I know the answer that I’m passionate about, etc, I don’t feel comfortable putting myself out there because of that reason. I also know that if I had paid closer attention, checked twice, wasn’t in my head as much, I wouldn’t have made the mistake. I don’t have a problem with randomness, in fact I love it, but mistakes that I know were my of my doing that could have prevented if I just didn’t say anything – those are hard.

It takes time to get skilled at practicing mindfulness around our intense feelings that may or may not seem rational, but we can learn. I remind myself that feelings are information, essentially, data about how the outside world affects us. Turning my attention back to God’s love and logic helps me stay grounded in who I truly am: a non timid and all confident woman.

Emotions will be in us forever, and we must be willing to allow the negative ones to pass. Not ignore them, but allow them to be felt, reflected on, learned from, and move on. That can seem impossible, yet it’s feasible. It only requires mental focus. We can train ourselves to change our way of thinking when they begin to stray in that direction. And it’s not only us doing it alone, God is always with us and we can develop deep communication and connection with Him to strengthen our confidence. Things such as prayer, scripture writing, journaling, letter writing to God (some things I practice) greatly aid in developing that ability. Like with any skill, it could seem difficult at first, but the more we practice, the more proficient we become.   

Do not be afraid, for you will not be put to shame: don’t be humiliated, for you will not be disgraced. For you will forget the shame of your youth, and you will no longer remember the disgrace of your widowhood.

Isaiah 54:4 (CSB) 

And it all comes down to the initial word in the beginning of this post: calmness. Serenity. Peace. Our true beings are wired to understand what we are going through, what others are going through, and to simply have this perspective that life is changing. Additionally, there is light in the dark and vice versa. And we shouldn’t try to escape pain because some things will just hurt. But as I mentioned earlier, we’re holding it almost like the awareness is greater than the visitor. It seems as though love is even more powerful than pain. And the space we make, the setting we establish, where all of this may occur, is built on awareness, love, and a sense of community, a sense that we are not so alone. When that happens, we may actually approach things in an eye-opening and different way.